Friday, September 23, 2011

Squirrel Attacks Pt 2: Mad Cow Squirrels

Clearly the rage virus is spreading. More attacks today in rainy Ohio. Though the Rage virus seems likely, maybe it's simply a kind of Mad Cow esque disease partial to Squirrels. Read here. Either way, more attacks mean more investigating ... here are the notes for my next report ...

Amok? Is that too strong a word for what’s going on with the area squirrels. Breslin Mack, a normally quiet off-the-grid type, is taking no chances.
For him, and others like him terror has a new name, and it is Tamiasciurus hudsonicus or brown squirrel. Following reports of yet another attack, I made my way to his domain on the outskirts of Highland Square. Upon climbing the fence and dropping over I was greeted by Breslin Mack. He had a way about him. I don’t know what it is. I was not able to understand much of what he said. He pointed to a suit of armor he fashioned from lids and melted pans for W, his dog.

Apparently, the dog had already run into the business end of a squirrel and it left his right eye in chaotic blindness.
Both W and Breslin seemed to be hopped up on YuenLing.

The interview did not go well. He was not very forthcoming with details. Not the printable kind.

Returning to my office at the Highland Square Tattler, I found this photo in my email.
The text of the email was: "sperd thwe word its steartingg". Ok, anonymous, I'll spread the word: lock your windows, my friends. A hard f----- rain's a gonna fall. A squirrel rain.


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  2. Minions of Misery (MOM), here I come.

    Thanks, Vivienne.